20101220

從老夫少妻說起

朋友中有幾對老夫少妻,都結婚很多年了,其實男的不很老,只有大約六十歲,女的亦不算少了,已四十出頭,年齡相差十五、六歲,說不上極端。可是,這幾對中有些已出現問題,例如男的身體開始多毛病,或活動能力和興趣逐漸跟不上女的;其中一對那個男的還患上頗棘手的病,另外一對則已在辦離婚手續了。

這種老夫少妻相識相戀時,如果女的年方少艾,那麼男的便只有三、四十歲(或四十出頭),成熟穩重,一副可託終身的樣子,如果還事業有成,則吸引力就更加大了。男的那方面,喜歡較年輕的女子,亦屬尋常。如此結合,只要男女相悅,沒甚麼可議。然而,這卻令我想到「現在的我」和「將來的我」之間的關係。

沒有人能肯定自己將來的看法和好惡,但假如「現在的我」如此這般理解「將來的我」,而「現在的我」的行動一定會影響「將來的我」,那麼,「現在的我」在做出重大決定時,應否考慮這個理解,甚至乎根據這個理解來行動?

一個年輕女子在決定是否和比自己大十多年的人結婚時,是否應該考慮自己到了四、五十歲時的想法?假如她相信自己到時不會喜歡有一個六、七十歲的丈夫,或即使仍喜歡對方,到時的生活亦會有很多因年齡差距而來的困難,她是否應該為她「將來的我」打算一下?

讓我舉另一個例子:我喜歡飲酒,卻盡量不多飲,為甚麼呢?飲酒過量很可能會引致肝病,「現在的我」不想有肝病,我相信「將來的我」也不想有肝病、不想受苦、不想早死,因此,雖然「現在的我」飲酒時很開心痛快,但為「將來的我」著想,我只好犧牲一下現時的享樂。

「現在的我」和「將來的我」的關係當然不是這麼簡單,有很多方面可以思考和討論。無論如何,這是一個重要的關係,因為人的一生不是不相連的片斷,而是一個連續的故事,雖然故事不是完全由自己編寫。

41 則留言:

  1. 未來是很難預測的,或許到時六、七十歲的丈夫再選個年輕的妻子。

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  2. 我媽跟老爸相差廿二年。現在老爸退休了,媽要出來工作,最近這一年她經常在我面前,或有意無意在我爸面前,說自己嫁得不好,說爸老(懵)了,溝通不來。又說她現在辛苦工作只是為了這頭家,為了我跟兩個妹妹!!

    她是我媽,我不好在她面前說什麼。但我每次聽到都覺得很苦惱,路是她自己選擇的,女是她自己選擇生出來的,那是她的責任,怎麼我們會變成了她的負擔???

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  3. 那男女在年齡上該相差幾歲才算是完美?

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  4. 如果個男人好有錢,個女的大部分時間都會“頂硬上”等老公死,吞身家家(如果無人同佢爭)甘個女人 的將來的我:富婆一個呵呵。

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  5. Barry,

    //未來是很難預測的,或許到時六、七十歲的丈夫再選個年輕的妻子。//

    - 這當然可能,尤其是如果那男人很有錢。

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  6. Shumc,

    不知道你媽媽嫁時有沒有想過會有今天的情況?

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  7. イエン,

    //那男女在年齡上該相差幾歲才算是完美?//

    - 個人意見,最好不要超過五歲。

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  8. 英雄美人公主娘,

    //如果個男人好有錢,個女的大部分時間都會“頂硬上”等老公死,吞身家家(如果無人同佢爭)甘個女人 的將來的我:富婆一個呵呵。//

    - 說得很對啊!

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  9. 從兩人「幸福」講的話,由於男人平均壽命一般較短,姐弟配的話應該很好,這樣兩人在一起的日子可能會拉長,更能在生活上互相照顧,對雙方都有好處(當然要假定感情和諧了)

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  10. CYC,

    男人也有不愛老女人的問題呀!

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  11. CYC:

    //從兩人「幸福」講的話,由於男人平均壽命一般較短,姐弟配的話應該很好,這樣兩人在一起的日子可能會拉長,更能在生活上互相照顧,對雙方都有好處(當然要假定感情和諧了)//

    I totally agree with you! Especially since now reproduction is not so much the primary function of marriage nowadays, it makes sense for women to marry younger men for the reasons you stated.

    //男人也有不愛老女人的問題呀!//

    I expect this to gradually change... (Or I hope?). As women gain more financial power and social status, men might realize the benefits of marring an older woman... Our culture will change to make it socially acceptable for men to be "taken care of" by women this way, and perhaps youth and physical appearance will become less important for heterosexual men as criteria for their mates.

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  12. Actually if heterosexual women are making rational calculation, many of us should opt out of marriage as quite of bit of sociological research has indicated that marriages are bad for women.

    And if sexual orientation were an individual choice and same-sex couples are given equal rights, women should opt for same sex marriages based on a cost-benefit analysis.

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  13. Lin,

    //perhaps youth and physical appearance will become less important for heterosexual men as criteria for their mates//

    - I think there may be an evolutionary explanation of why men usually are not attracted to older women. If men are evolutionarily programed that way, it would not change that easily.

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  14. Wong,

    王師父,恕弟子直言,你應該在「老」和「成熟」、「風韻猶存」等之間做些區分。

    Lin,

    Thks. But the thing I mostly want to say is women's makeup has made great strides in these years..... in a way, men has lost their (typical) reason to refuse an older woman

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    1. 現在滴女生青春都可被延長嚕! 姊弟戀現實生活到處都是,我覺得ㄧ樣道理姊弟戀不要相差太多都還可以吧!同年齡男滴往往看起來比女生老,況且也不是每個男生都越老越值錢,事實上是指有少部份,而且有錢也可能因ㄧ個金融風暴ㄧ夕間變沒錢,我覺得男生們太過於高估男生越老越值錢滴想法了,以至害了很多人晚年了還被戴綠帽,社會新聞ㄧ堆.........就算了。還苦了那個原本ㄧ路陪男生走過來滴老妻。

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  15. CYC,

    //王師父,恕弟子直言,你應該在「老」和「成熟」、「風韻猶存」等之間做些區分。//

    - 當然有這些區分,但在我文章的 context 裏不須點出。男人六十多歲就是老了(有例外,例如六十多歲的申康納利),叫「成熟」就有點自欺欺人了。同理,女人六十多歲很難風韻猶存吧。

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  16. Wong & CYC:

    There is biological evolution, and there's social evolution. I believe "survival" is the key - but it could be financial survival. As with most sociologist, I believe in nurture vs. nature. I imagine men could evolve socially and find that it is beneficial for them to put less value on age and physical appearance when women gain higher financial and social status. Women have been socialized in the past to look for financial status and power in men - and older men happen to have more of it.

    I don't think there is biological predetermination for women to find balding obese, wrinkly, older men who may or may not need the help of Viagra. There are reasons for the attraction but definitely not biological.

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  17. lin,

    //I don't think there is biological predetermination for women to find balding obese, wrinkly, older men who may or may not need the help of Viagra.//

    - Women probably are not evolutionarily programmed to dislike older men (older ≠ balding obese, wrinkly, older), but men probably are to dislike older women (because younger women can more easily pass on their genes).

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    1. 我不同意,我是女生,我不喜歡老男人ㄛ! 我身邊也有ㄧ堆跟我ㄧ樣滴女生ㄛ!事實上我覺得正常男女都還是會挑同年齡或大ㄧ點小ㄧ點滴吧!

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  18. I actually agree with Lin. It's all about survival - Imagine a world where older females are the real bread winners and males are earning much less (or males are deprived of education/work experiences and this translates into less or even no earning power). Do you think males will still pick younger women over older women? This is just a reversal of sexes in ancient society, where rich old men took younger women as concubines.

    I tend to believe all human beings love things that are young and good-looking, irregardless of sexes. Rather than saying "it's evolutionary programmed", it might just be huge historical social influence.

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  19. I do believe the explanation self-proliferation is more correct than personal survival. Think of love, it is unintelligible for one forgoes his life because of love if it is just a matter of survival for oneself; it is also unintelligible for one forgoes her life because of marriage if it is just a matter of survival. Love / marriage is biologically based .

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  20. //Imagine a world where older females are the real bread winners and males are earning much less (or males are deprived of education/work experiences and this translates into less or even no earning power). Do you think males will still pick younger women over older women? //

    I agree social forces would shape human behavior, but in the scenario you imagine, it is not clear how deep the change is. We can also imagine a world in which most men decide to have sex at most once a month (because, say, they will be severely punished if they have sex more often). But that doesn't mean there is any fundamental change in their sex drive.

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  21. 看這兒的意見,好像有些人在談性,有些人意指婚姻伴侶,有些心裏想的是either性or婚姻,有些則是and。
    婚姻與金錢權勢社會地位有關,在哪個社會哪個年代有多大關係,可一直討論下去。
    另一方面,結婚可不單是為了發生性關係,也不一定有。 要說男的單純被異性吸引或對之有遐想,想與之發生性關係(有力與否屬另一回事),男會喜歡女的有多大年齡呢?那年齡上的差距是不是隨男士自己的年齡與日倶增?

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  22. shiren,

    我原文只是用老夫少婦為例子,那是婚姻關係,後來在討論中扯開去,才談到和性有關的問題。

    多謝你補充。

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  23. 其實我想到那樣便說那樣,還有我提出的問題,我是真的好奇。有說,甚麽將男的年齡除二加七,但那是少時大家說說笑笑,當中未有夠年齡資格的「當事人」來印證或反證。

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  24. shiren,

    //將男的年齡除二加七//

    - 即是如果男的40歲,可配27歲的女?

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    1. 唉呀!這樣很危險耶!老了怎麼辦? 未來滴我怎麼辦ㄋ?

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  25. 我最先想到的是男的4歲配女的9歲......

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  26. //女人六十多歲很難風韻猶存吧//
    唔系好同意⋯⋯依家甘多整容技術(仲要越來越平,歐洲數西班牙被喻為物超所值的地方,有太太組團佢齊齊整,成個 package 買,成班夫人有伴陪兼順手”修養“下⋯⋯),甘整法到80 歲都可以風韻猶存(當然身體健康先可以)!

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  27. 問世間,情是何物,直教生死相許!

    it seems really comical here that when you guys start talking about marriage, you guys all take out the calculator to calculate !!!

    how calculating :-) !!! ... money, who is going to take care of whom, what is the best way to pass on the genes, survival, and sex :-) ...

    what about 楊振寧 and 翁帆, catherine zeta-jones and michael douglas ... i guess their calculators must be running out of battery when they tied their knots :-) ...

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  28. 英雄美人公主娘,

    //唔系好同意⋯⋯依家甘多整容技術(仲要越來越平,歐洲數西班牙被喻為物超所值的地方,有太太組團佢齊齊整,成個 package 買,成班夫人有伴陪兼順手”修養“下⋯⋯),甘整法到80 歲都可以風韻猶存(當然身體健康先可以)!//

    - 整到塊面都整唔到個身喎!

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  29. //it seems really comical here that when you guys start talking about marriage, you guys all take out the calculator to calculate !!! //

    - You seem to have missed the point of the discussion. No one suggested that we should be calculative in a relationship; the discussion has been about whether a person, when making an important decision, should consider what she may think or feel in the future.

    //what about 楊振寧 and 翁帆, catherine zeta-jones and michael douglas ... i guess their calculators must be running out of battery when they tied their knots :-) ...//

    - We don't know them, do we?

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  30. //- You seem to have missed the point of the discussion. No one suggested that we should be calculative in a relationship; the discussion has been about whether a person, when making an important decision, should consider what she may think or feel in the future.//

    take it easy man, i know you guys were talking about 「現在的我」和「將來的我」... to me, this sounds like a discounted cash flow analysis, trying to equate a future cash flow to a present value ... once you put that into the equation (consideration), love is vaporized :-) ...

    i drift too far ... don't worry about it; don't have to take my comments too seriously :-) ...

    about 楊振寧 and 翁帆, catherine zeta-jones and michael douglas, of course i don't know them :-) ... i was just curious when they agreed to tie the knots, what were their analysis about 「現在的我」和「將來的我」 :-) ???

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  31. 匿名,

    //i drift too far ... don't worry about it; don't have to take my comments too seriously :-) ...//

    - That's all right.

    //about 楊振寧 and 翁帆, catherine zeta-jones and michael douglas, of course i don't know them :-) ... i was just curious when they agreed to tie the knots, what were their analysis about 「現在的我」和「將來的我」 :-) ???//

    - Only they themselves know, I suppose.

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  32. "But that doesn't mean there is any fundamental change in their sex drive."

    That means you have already confirmed and treated "evolutionary programmed" as a FACT. This is exactly the point that I am contesting. Sex drive in males might be scientifically proven/measured, but I don't think "men probably are to dislike older women because it's evolutionary programmed" is.

    Hence I wrote, "Rather than saying "it's evolutionary programmed", it might just be huge historical social influence." Both "evolutionary programmed" and "huge historical social influence" are only speculations. Same reasoning applies to "women probably are not evolutionarily programmed to dislike older men".

    Unless I am missing out on scientific research which has proven that "men probably are to dislike older women because it's evolutionary programmed". In this case, my apology then.

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  33. 匿名,

    I think you better read this first,

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_selection_in_human_evolution

    CYC

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  34. //That means you have already confirmed and treated "evolutionary programmed" as a FACT. This is exactly the point that I am contesting. //

    Notice what I said originally:

    - Women probably are not evolutionarily programmed to dislike older men.
    - Men probably are (evolutionarily programmed) to dislike older women.

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  35. 亞王:

    很巧合週邊朋友,都有五,六對是老夫少妻,相差年紀有15至20幾歲,多是second marriage.認識他她們有十多年,感覺是他們生活和諧,融洽.

    最近,朋友80多歲父親續弦,娶了一個剛30出頭女子,看來uncle 很享受這段婚姻,人也年輕起來,談笑風生.

    而我家相公,比我年長18歲,今年我們慶祝結婚30週年,回想初結婚時侯,3至5年,吵鬧比較多,但深記着母親教誨,無人完美,凡事都包容,忍耐.因為相公年紀長,閱歷多,所以事事也忍讓我,也比較疼愛,所以身旁好友,都說我是幸福的人,我也+分珍惜我們婚姻.

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  36. //整到塊面都整唔到個身喎!//
    點會無⋯⋯ 胸部(呢樣系人都知道)臀部,腰,大腿(連男人都走去整⋯⋯)乜都可以整⋯⋯ 有D連手都拉皮⋯⋯仲有邊到你捻唔到可以整?
    唯有氣質就無得整,但整成甘仲有無魅力真系見人見智。

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  37. //而我家相公,比我年長18歲,今年我們慶祝結婚30週年,回想初結婚時侯,3至5年,吵鬧比較多,但深記着母親教誨,無人完美,凡事都包容,忍耐.因為相公年紀長,閱歷多,所以事事也忍讓我,也比較疼愛,所以身旁好友,都說我是幸福的人,我也+分珍惜我們婚姻.//

    - 當然也有像你們這樣的美滿例子,真是要好好珍惜。

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